What’s up Doll

Hi Friends, I have not written in quite a while. As I start I am not even sure what my topic is or where I am going with this. But for several months now I have felt empty and lost. I miss my Mom, my sister who passed, my Dad who passed, the man who created me and does not want to meet me, my daughter who moved away and my son who moved away. As I write this I am on the verge of crying and I really don’t even know why. I have my husband and my middle son here and I am blessed by them both. But I feel like I have no family anymore, I miss seeing my grandkids grow-up. I miss talking to my mom on the phone about nonsense. She was a challenging one for sure but I loved her more than I even knew. I wish I could sit with her and hear the story of how she met my birth father (I did not know about him till after she passed). How did she carry that secret for 49 years, was it eating her up, was it why she lashed out at me for no reason, was it why she adored me so much (the secret love child). Did the man who raised me know, Did my birth father know I existed. So many unanswered questions. I will most likely never know the answers. I am trying to move on and let it go. I am consumed by this, who am I. The yearning to meet this man, my so called father eats at me. I need to lay my eyes on him. I feel completely lost and broken in a way that is hard to express. I am going through the motions. I miss being my happy self. And I am a hidden secret, he does not want it now that I exist. I have built a close relationship with my uncle (his brother). But I also have 2 sisters and a brother they know nothing about me. If I speak out I will most likely loose my uncle too. Since I was a sexual abused child, me being told to keep this to myself is making me sick. I feel trapped like I have no options. I did nothing wrong, why is all this on me. Why won’t he own his past. Yes, you had an affair (they were both married) but you created a life. Why don’t I Matter. I guess I started to write this to figure out why I feel so bad. I see it, but I can’t fix it, so how do I go on.