Birthday minus MOM

By ChristyBarnes | February 28, 2018 |

Hello Friends,

My whole blog is about evolving in my 50th year and beyond. I was born February 14, 1968. My mom was very much present as she would be for the next 49 years. So when I woke up the morning of my 50th birthday (in Hawaii) the first thought to enter my mind was,the women who brought me into the world is no longer in it. I expected to miss her and feel sad she would not be calling. But I did not expect the empty gut wrenching sadness that I experienced. I am not going to sugar coat my experience with my mom, we had a rough road together. Lot’s of mixed emotions. I loved her dearly but I was not always there the way I should have been wished I would have been. I don’t need to go into details but she was sometimes hard to love and I had hung on to issues for my earlier days. I told her I forgave her and had moved on but I had a lot of hurt deep down I could not let go of. This makes her passing harder for me. I feel like I understand her road and have much more compassion for her now that she is gone. I wish I had it then. I am sorry mom and I love and miss you more that I can express.

My mom was full of spunk and sass, when she walked into a room she owned it, she was beautiful, a classic beauty. I was in awe of her. When I was young she was my world. It was not until my late 30’s that things for us really became hard. She had a hard life and I knew she did her very best with what she had. She loved her children. There were 4 of us. We lost our oldest sister Teresa 3 years ago. I was missing them both that day, and my dad who passed when I was 18.

I am blessed with the most amazing husband and we had a lovely day. It was pouring rain that day in Hawaii. I wanted to surf on my 50th birthday and we did in the pouring rain. It was intense and amazing and I will never forget it. I had brought some of my mom and sister’s ashes. I wanted to put them in the ocean. They had always wanted to go to Hawaii. I love the ocean so much and it became something bigger to me. The idea of them being part of something I loved brought me peace. So after our shower from rain surfing, I needed to spread their ashes and urgency I could not explain. It was lovely and powerful and helped heal the loss of the day.

Later went for a fab dinner and I tried my first Lobster and I loved it!! We proceeded after to pub crawl every dive bar in Wikkii, true Christy and Richard style. It was wonderful, deep and fun 50th birthday.