Peace and Love to my 15 year old self

We are more than our worst year.  For me that would be my 15th year.  I have had hard times in life like most of us but I have the most regret and the shame for the choices made by my 15 year self.   But as I venture into finding myself in this second chapter of my life, I need to make peace with my past.  Looking back now I have compassion, sadness and forgiveness for that lost girl that was me.  I understand her choices were lead by fear, wanting to be loved a lot of self destruction and flat out giving up on life.

To understand fully we have to go back to the 5-12 year old girl who was sexually abused by her step father.  Attempting to break my soul and spirt.  But I am stronger than that and I would not be broken but it was touch and go that 15th year.

The downward spiral began when I lost my so to speak virginity (first consensual sex) with a boy I adored.  He then broke up with me the next day and told everyone.  My reputation was trashed, I was now a slut.  I was heart broken, I even moved away for a while and lived with my Dad.  When I returned 6 moths later I was still a slut in a small town.  I honestly just wanted someone anyone to love me, I went about it wrong.  I had decided if that is what you think of me that is what I will be “Fuck it”.  So yes, I began sleeping around but in my heart I was hoping one of those boys would love me, save me.  They did not and things only got worse for me.  I became depressed, started drinking and taking drugs.  I was very suicidal.  Things at school got worse and worse for me, whispers, gossip and girls bullying me.  I was scared to go to school, I wanted to disappear. There were a lot of things said about me that were true, I was ashamed because deep down I knew that was not me.  Walking down the hall things would be thrown at me, I was held down in the bathroom while senior girls drew on my face with a marker.  I was hit in the face twice by sisters of all things, one on the last day for school and the the other the middle of the next year.   That was the final straw for me and I walked out of the school with a bloody nose cracked nose and soon to be 2 black eyes.  I never walked back into that school again, never said good bye to my friends.  I felt so invisible who would even notice I was gone.  I went home crying and begged my mother to get me out of that town.  You know what, she did.  That was the best thing she ever did for me.  I was scared of who I was becoming and more afraid I would take the only way out I knew by killing myself.   We left, I never looked back.

She moved me to a new town and I reinvented myself, I became the girl I knew I was deep in my heart.  I made new friends, did not sleep around, did not do drugs.  I changed my own life at 15.  I was always so sad and embraced about that time in my life but I am more than that year.  Now I look back at that girl and think how brave she was to start her life over and I feel sad for what she went through.  I had always thought I was making those choices and I did in theory but it was a perfect storm leading me in that direction.  I am sad no one saw how much pain I was in and how much help I needed.

15 year old Christy

During the abuse years

I have gone on to have a wonderful life and I am proud of who I am and who I was.  15 year old girl, I love you and it’s ok.